I haven't written about my mommy's passing because I just wasn't ready. I am still not ready and I don't know if I ever will be, but I feel that I should. This was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. Here it is....at least some of it...I could write a book on everything. I know this is long, but if you don't want to read it...don't. I had to write it though.
I am not a writer, so please don't judge my writing.....
My mommy was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma in 2003..it is a rare cancer that is treatable, but ultimately fatal. I still remember that horrible night that my parents told me. She had been ill for a while and my dad had just been diagnosed with Prostate cancer and needed to have an operation to remove the cancer. My mom wasn't feeling well and could hardly walk and was so tired all of the time. We all begged her to go to the doctor, but she wanted to wait until my dad was over his surgery. He recovered (they got all of the cancer....yay!) and she finally went to the doctor to see what was wrong. At first they told us it was arthritis. I thought that was the end of it....I didn't know they were doing more tests. One night in October, my parents showed up at my house. I was happy to see them, but they never just stop by. We sat down in my living room.....I still remember where everyone sat. My dad said, "Well, Jennifer....the doctor called and it isn't good." I said, "it isn't cancer is it?" I was totally joking thinking there is no way that my dad AND mom would both have cancer...especially 3 months apart. My dad said, "yeah" as he choked back the tears. I started to cry and said "is it curable?" I had hope that it was curable because his cancer was gone. He started to cry and said "no" and I started to sob and I mean sob!! My mommy came and sat by me and hugged me and we cried together. This was only the second time that I had ever seen her cry. The doctor said people usually live 4-10 years after being diagnosed. I was devastated! I love my mom with all of my heart and I could not imagine my life without her. I was only 26 at the time and the thought of going all through my life without my mommy was too much to handle. I said, "my kids wont even know you" I hadn't had any children at the time. My mom fighting back the tears said, "well, you can tell them about me." I didn't want to tell them about her....I wanted her to be there for everything....birth, Kindergarten, Junior Prom, graduation, weddings, ...everything!! I can't even begin to tell you how it felt.
As the years went by, I watched her go through chemotherapy, lose weight, lose her appetite, lose her hair, sleep more each day, lose her strength, receive blood transfusions at least a couple times a month and become weaker. She was a fighter.....her doctor told her that she was a walking miracle about 5 years after diagnosis. He said that he didn't think she would live past 2 years after being diagnosed because she was so advanced. He didn't ever tell her what "stage" she was in because he said he didn't believe in stages. She fought hard for 6 years!
In March of 2009, I called my Mom as I did everyday to see how she was doing. She didn't answer so I called her cell phone and my dad answered and told me they were in the Emergency Room. He said that my mom was in so much pain that she couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't hear him very well because I could hear someone wailing in pain....then he asked me, "can you hear her?" I said, "that's her?" he cried "yes". She had always hidden her pain from us and to hear her crying and in so much pain was heartbreaking. I rushed to the ER to see her and she was trying so hard to be strong. She was in so much pain that she was shaking. I told her that she had to hold on because I was having another granddaughter in June and she said she was going to be in the room while she was born. My mom said, "I will" and I said, "promise?" and she said, "I promise". I lived to regret asking her to promise me that. She had pneumonia in both of her lungs. She stayed in the hospital for about a week. I couldn't believe they released her so soon. Each night when I would leave the hospital, she said "I love you, you're my baby" My whole life she would tell me I was her baby and that I always would be. The doctors were shocked at how much pain medication they were giving her in the beginning and it wasn't even touching her pain. Some nurses commented that they had never seen a doctor order that much pain medication. Once the pain was under control, she was able to go home, but she was never the same.
In May, I got home from church and had a miss call from my brother and my parents. I instantly knew that something was wrong. I called my dad and he said that they took my mom to the hospital in an ambulance. She actually agreed to go which was a miracle. She never wanted to go to the hospital, but for some reason she agreed this time. She was in more pain than she was in March. It was so awful to see her like that. She had been telling me for the last year that she would fight hard to live, but when the pain got too much to bear that she would quit fighting. I knew that it was time and that she wouldn't be with us for much longer. As much as I wanted her to stay, it was selfish of me to ask her to be in all of that pain. The whole time she was in the hospital, they couldn't get her pain under control. She would wake up and plead, "help me" and then ask "why wont you help me?" I felt so helpless. We all did. It was a nightmare that none of us could wake up from. One day we got her results from a test that she had on her bone marrow and it was not good. Half of her bone marrow was cancer and the other half was scar tissue. This was the reason for all of her pain and there was absolutely nothing they could do. Her body just stopped making blood. She didn't have much longer. The doctors recommended bringing in hospice.
Through all of this stress, I got put on bedrest because my blood pressure was VERY high!! Finally, my doctor decided to take the baby 2 weeks early. My mom wasn't able to go with me to deliver. The day I had Savanna (Thursday) my family said that my mom was doing good, but I found out Friday that they were lying and just wanted me to have one happy day with my new baby. My dad came to see Savanna and me on Friday and told me that she had no more than a week to live. She had said goodbye to all of her siblings, all of my siblings, and she was just waiting to say goodbye to me. I was released that day (a day early even though my blood pressure was sky high) and I went straight to her hospital. As I was riding over to the hospital, I called my sister and she told me that mom had asked her the night that I had Savanna if my sister was ok with my mom not fighting anymore. My mom said she wanted to die. My sister told her that even though she would miss her, she understood and that she did not want to see her in pain anymore. My mom said, "I'm worried about Jennifer" My sister told her that we had talked and that I felt the same way and that I would understand if she left us. My mom said "but I promised her I would be here when the baby was born". When I heard this, it made me very sad. Was she enduring all of this pain just for a promise that she had made to me a couple of months earlier? This broke my heart and I still have guilt because of it. When I arrived at the hospital, I sat beside her and I started playing with her hair like I always do. I told her that as much as I was going to miss her that I understood that she couldn't go through this anymore. I told her how much I loved her and that I would miss her everyday and that she was my best friend. She could barely speak, but told me she appreciated that I could let her go and that she loved me, too and I was her best friend, too. We said more things, but they are too sacred for me to share with all of you. I'm sure you understand. She wanted to hold Savanna so badly, but couldn't because she was so weak. I laid Savanna in her arm and she was so happy. We took a picture, but it doesn't even look like my mom. At least I have a picture. We put her on hospice and they were able to get her pain under control within 1 DAY!!! (I was so mad at the hospital, but that's a different story) I went to see her everyday with Savanna hoping that she would be able to enjoy her new grandaughter a little bit more. On Wednesday, Antonio, Alexia, Savanna and I went to the hospital to see her. She was insisting (I was just glad to hear her speak) that she was going to go home on Thursday and not Saturday like we had originally planned. When she woke up on Wednesday, I saw the old mom that I knew. She told me my shirt was cute and that Alexia's shoes were cute. I couldn't believe that she was dying because she was starting to talk and sound normal. When we left, Alexia gave her a hug and told her "I love you" which she had never done before because she has been slow to talk. I think that made my mom happy.
The next day my mom went home. She was so happy to go home. I went to see her that night and when I walked in, she was sitting up in bed, brushing her teeth and she waved at me and said "hi baby" through her muffled tooth brushing. You would never have been able to tell that she was dying. I thought.....the doctors are wrong.....she is getting better and she is going to live longer. She finished brushing her teeth and she put her arms out to hold Savanna. She was so happy to be able to hold her on her own. She asked where Alexia was and I told her she was getting sick and I didn't want to bring her over and get mom sick. She looked disappointed. My mom held Savanna for a few minutes. She looked her up and down...up and down....up and down and said how beautiful she was over and over and that she loved her. She started to get sad. She didn't want me to see her cry so she closed her eyes and told me to take the baby cuz she was getting too heavy. I think she was thinking about how she wouldn't be here for her life and if made her sad and she didn't want me to see her cry. I told my mom that I would let her sleep and I went into the other room. When I went home that night, she was very tired and so I just put Savanna's head up to her mouth so that she could kiss her head. My mom kissed Savanna and then rubbed her cheek on her head. Every time I tried to take Savanna away, she would kiss her and rub her cheek on her head. It was like she kept trying to get one last kiss in. I really think she knew that this was the last time she would see her. I told my mom that I loved her and that I would see her tomorrow. She told me she loved me and that I was her baby (just as she had every night I left her in the hospital). I wish I would have stayed and talked longer to her as that was the last time I saw her.
Friday at about 1:30, my phone rang. It was my sister, Chrisann. "Jen, mom's gone". "Nooooooooo". I felt relief for a moment that she was no longer in pain, then I felt a pain in my heart so strong that I thought I would die, too. I nearly collapsed. She told me that mom had woken up and wanted some blueberries. She hadn't eaten anything but a couple bites of fruit for 3 weeks so they were glad she wanted something. She ate about 12 blueberries and then asked for a "swiggie" which was a Coke from the gas station. My sister got her one and she wanted to drink it in her massaging chair so they helped her in it. She drank a sip and asked my sister if she could see her boys. While my sister went to get them from downstairs, my mom told my dad she wanted to get back into bed. My dad turned to put the bed down and he heard her making sounds and turned around and she was gone.
My brother picked me up and took me to my parents home. When we got to my parents home, I went into the bedroom where my mother's body was. She looked so peaceful and beautiful! I sat down next to her and held her hand. It was still warm. I held her hand until it was a little less warm, cooler, and then it was cold. We had a while because the mortician was coming from Morgan and he usually likes to give the family time with the body if they want it. When the mortician came to pick up her body, I had a few minutes alone with her and I just told her a few things more that I wanted to tell her. Mostly, I told her how much I loved her and how much I was going to miss her. I had no idea at the time just exactly how much I would really miss her!
My mom was such a fun person. She loved to play jokes on people, LOVED to shop (although she tried to deny this), didn't want to just sit back and watch people have fun...she wanted to be in on the action. She was such a giving person. She always gave me and my siblings the best of everything. She taught me to always do things for others and to give service. She also said that when you're giving service to the Lord, that you give your best. Even when she was so sick, she always went all out to give service to members of her church. She taught me to love people for who they are and to not judge people because you "can't judge a book by its cover". Mostly she taught me to love. Love with all my heart. She truly was a one of a kind person and I can see why Heavenly Father wanted her back in heaven. I am so grateful that she was chosen to be my mommy!!
